A gift from a friend

     A coworker brought me a book to school yesterday. She brought me a copy of A Cord of Three Strands by Sara W. Berry and Tricia J. Robbins. I read the whole thing yesterday.It is the story of Tricia, Peggy, and Hilarie. I do not want to give too much away in case some of you would like to read it, but it it’s the story of Tricia’s life and how she came to place a child through adoption. Peggy is the adoptive mother, who struggled and waited 18 years for a child. Hilarie, is their child. This is based on a true story of a woman (Tricia) that lives in our surrounding area.

     I thought I would include some excerpts that I felt like I or others like me might relate to.

Page 58-59

     Peggy and Mitch had met in college. They started out as very good friend’ Their friendship developed over time into a deep love that many of their friends envied. One of Peggy’s friends had once, confidentially, asked her. How are you two so close? I see what you and Mitch have together and I want that for my marriage.”

     Peggy had nodded in understanding. She had never really compared her marriage to ohers’, but in that moment, she understood her friend’s question. She replied, “Yes, Mitch and I are very close. I would like to say that we are just the fairy tale couple. But the truth is, it’s been the hardship in our lives that have joined us so tightly together. Without the hardship, the really, really difficult times, I think we would be just like most couples. But when life is difficult you have a chice. It can make you stronger, closer, more intense, or it cn tear you apart. We chose to draw together, with God’s help. That is why we are so close.”

I hope that my husband and I will look back and be able to say the same thing. The toll something of this nature can take on a marriage is not conceivable by some. It can hurt it or strain it in ways you would have never thought! I do know that it has helped us learn more about communication and patience with one another. We are in this together as a couple and will conquer this as a couple. I can only hope that my friends struggling with this as well are able to draw closer to each other.

Next, is a prayer said by Shane in the book. I need to say this always not just concerning infertility. I need to let go of my control and just listen and follow.

Page 85

“I surrender myself to You, Lord Jesus. Give me ears to hear You and a heart to follow you. Show me the way You have prepared for me… And I will follow. Take away my desires and give me Yours alone, Lord. I surrender myself to You.”

Lastly, I needed to be reminded of this verse.

Page 109

Philippians 4:6, 7 says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

Adoption progress

I am feeling that God is leading us more toward adoption. Too many things have been happening lately that point us more toward adoption. We have not filled out any paper work or anything thing until we have our IVF consultation in January. I am not able to speak to any certain situation or reveal specific information but in the last three weeks we have had three separate cases of individuals with questions concerning a private adoption with  women in our area. If one of these situations worked out, it would be the most awesome experience and a miracle! My husband and I, after the first talk, felt like it would be such an answered prayer. I do not know these women personally but I pray for them and that the make the right decision for them. I pray that God helps them realize that the child deserves a chance at life whether they choose to parent or create an adoption plan.

     They all have ideas of their wants, desires, and dreams for their unborn child. I just hope that they choose the perfect family for them. I would love for them to know that if that decision does not involve our family then I understand and her happiness with her decision is the up-most importance. I can only imagine how the process would look if it was me on the other side. I know would want my wishes fulfilled. I think its important that if we were going to have a semi-open or open adoption, we would like it to be with someone who believed in us and trusted us completely to raise their child.

December appointment update

     Monday we had our appointment to have another possible insemination. Before I got started, We discussed some possible side effects I am having. My vision has gotten dramatically worse seemingly overnight. It is so blurry and hard to see at times. I also have legs cramps every night on top of the multiple times I now wake up to use the bathroom. I forgot to mention the night sweats but from the other symptoms he decided I needed to have some blood work done and I needed to discontinue the Decadron until we know something. During the sonogram my endometrium looked good and he found three follicles on my left side and all three measured a significant size. We were able to get the insemination and we will find out the results on Christmas day.

God got me moving

Well, last weekend was like any other normal weekend when my husband has time off and we run errands or go find something to entertain us for a while. We were in between locations and a “matter of fact” type of feeling came over me. The feeling I got was clear and to the point. I knew I had to go to church the following day. I did not say anything to my husband. I just kept thinking about it to myself even into the night. (So, let me stop here for a second and explain our relationship with church the last few months.)

     We had started visiting a church as a couple and was going as regularly as we could when my husband wasn’t working. It has a large congregation and I love the music and get so much out of the sermon each week. The problem is that we never got “imbedded” I guess you would say. We were not members of a small group due to his schedule and without being connected in that way it was hard to be missed by anyone there and I didn’t know anyone to encourage me to come the times my husband worked. With not having developed a strong relationship it was easy not to go the more I struggled with my thoughts of “Why God?”. I had missed a few Sundays and felt the need to go back before. I did go and the lesson happened to be on the yearning for children and that we do not progress through the doors Christ has laid out for us due to us stalling in our relationship not wiling to move forward if God was not going to fulfill our wishes for a child. Of course I cried the entire service! It was so hard to listen to but I know I needed to hear it but at that time, I didn’t realize how much I needed to be there each week through these hard times. Instead, I had not gone back and was not mad at God but questioning his will for me.

     So fast forward back to October. I had a conversation here and there with a friend or family member about how going through this has opened my eyes to see how unkind and unfriendly some could be. A few strangers as well as people we know have really disappointed us. After one particular hard time, involving my place of employment, I had a conversation with my husband about the fact if I am this saddened by the actions of others, I felt so bad for how God must feel. I can’t imagine how disappointed and sad he must be with us. So I started thinking that I needed to try and do more to be a little more of an example and spread a little more kindness around our community. These small thoughts randomly popping up had started me back toward a more peaceful relationship with God. I will not say it is perfect or all my selfish thoughts and desires are resolved. I will not pretend. I will acknowledge the feelings, thoughts, and beliefs I have at that time but know I am still a work in progress. But even with these thoughts, I had not been ready to go back to church.

     Now back to last weekend, I woke up Sunday morning and fixed a bowl of cereal and made small talk with my husband. Once I finished I asked him what the plan was for the day. He didn’t have one and I didn’t either but in my head I knew I still had to go to church. I still never said anything. I was playing tug of war with myself and knew that if God was making me feel that it was  urgent then I had to hear the sermon. I was a little scared of repeating the blubbering mess I felt I looked like the last time I went. I finally was thinking, ”ok , we could watch it on the internet or we could go. So I am going to ask him in a minute if he wants to go with me or watch it on the internet.” As those thoughts were going through my mind, My husband was in the kitchen and out of the blue he asked what time church started. I smiled real big and kind of laughed and asked where that came from. He said we just had not been in a while and he felt like we needed to. I knew then that God had made sure my husband helped spur me to go. So we decided to kick it in gear and go to the early service. I made sure I took a pen and note pad so I could take notes since God made it so clear that I had to hear it.

     The lesson was on Luke 1:26-56. I was reading and listening so intently. Elizabeth learning of being with child was mentioned briefly but I knew that just wasn’t the message meant for me to hear. (I don’t think anyways.) Here are the notes I wrote and was meant for me. When talking about the insignificance of a girl such as Mary, the pastor made the point that we ourselves may feel insignificant or we might feel that we are favored by God and are waiting for something significant to happen but we have missed the significant thing God has done while you were waiting. Three other points I wrote down were 1) we are loved beyond our understanding, 2) we are favored beyond our immediate circumstances, and 3) we are called beyond our immediate vocation. He also said that we needed to say, “I am your servant and do with me what you will.” Finally my last note was something he re-emphasized from the opening. He said to try and produce the butterfly effect and one small insignificant deed or act can cause a ripple and be multiplied greatly.

     This sermon just supported my feelings that were being established little by little since October. It also gave me points that I needed to hear and start believing more whole-heartedly. I can’t say what my next step in this journey with God will be but I know it is starting to turn back toward Him and trusting in Him than it has been. 

an email

I got this email yesterday and I hope that one day my children can say this about my husband and I.

When You Thought I wasn't Looking 


Author: Unknown

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

I can't wait to....

This morning I was thinking about all the things I want to do with a child or things I can’t wait to be a part of as a parent. Individuals do not realize that people who are struggling to have children are craving the opportunity to do the things people with children get to do everyday. There have been times where I see facebook statuses that make me slightly envious. They are not the one you would think about either. I found myself thinking that I would love to be packing chairs up to go sit at the t-ball field in the boiling hot sun! So I thought I would make a list of some things we can’t wait to do. My husband gave some surprising input as well. He had several good things. It made me smile.

(in no particular order!)

ride bikes together

go to t-ball practice/soccer/ballet/gymnastics, whichever they choose

watch the excitement as we decorate for Christmas

getting no sleep from putting together the toys from Santa

holiday pictures

choosing a Halloween costume

tooth fairy magic

bath time

rocking a snugly baby to sleep

going to school events

changing a diaper (from the husband since he said he would finally have his own, my weak stomach has to get prepared!)

attending children’s birthday parties with our little one

family vacations

reading books together

hearing sweet prayers before bedtime

bragging

having people say, “Oh and its good to see you too!” as they have grabbed the child out of your arms

The feeling of missing them so bad that you can’t wait to get back home.

Doggy kisses (poor Scooter and Charlie)

Blowing out candles

Playing in the dirt

Jumping in mud puddles

Not having any money because I spent it all on some adorable clothes.

Playing board games

Pulling a wagon

Swinging on the playground

Cooking together                 

Teaching my child to count/ABCs/manners

......and more!

Bringing Home the Bacon

I have been busy trying to raise money to afford any option we may choose. I have sold a few baked goods and did well. I also worked a basketball game for a fellow teacher for a little cash, I am giving the ACT next week, and I just finished my raffle.

     I sold tickets for about a month and a half. They were only a dollar each and I had three prizes. I had some great friends and family that helped me sell tickets. Since I had bought the prizes out of my “baby fund” I had a lot of cost to cover before making a profit. Even at the beginning of this week, we only had made a couple hundred dollars profit. I was feeling a little foolish and thinking it was a lot to keep track of for just that little bit of money. Well, God made it better!

     I had some friends that turned their money in starting Thursday and at least 3 of them had sold $140-$200. My mom, who had been selling them all along brought me another big wad yesterday. And finally, the icing on the cake….

     I went to open house at my cousin’s bakery and asked if I could come on Dec. 1 and have someone draw the winners so I could video tape it and have public witnesses. She said yes and then said to come all day since it was downtown and the Christmas parade was that morning. Well, I took her up on it and got there about 7:30 yesterday. She had me a table right in the front door and posted it on her facebook page. I made another almost $300 from her customers yesterday! On top of that, I met several women that had struggled themselves and were so compassionate. It felt good! They had some positive things to tell me and a little faith and hope to share. It was a great day! I left yesterday and totaled my sales up and I had doubled my cost! I gauge my progress with what it might cover the cost of. I know have enough in my “baby fund” to cover lawyer fees for a private adoption if God was to bless us with such an opportunity, or enough for 1/3 of ONE of the IVF fees or we are 1/5 of the way to affording adoption through an agency. I am happy, happy, happy that the hard work of everyone in this battle with me is paying off! I can’t tell these people THANK YOU enough!

Forward Progress

A week or so before Thanksgiving, I saw an ad in the newspaper of an “ask and eat” session at the local adoption agency. I made reservations and my husband, my mom and I went. It started at 6:30 and we were the only ones there. The lady conducting the meeting was so nice and told us everything we could possibly want to get from a first meeting. She touched on what seemed like every aspect of what we would need to know or we would go through to adopt. I really loved that she said to search and investigate agencies and find one that is right for us. She said whether we choose them or not, they just wanted to support those choosing to adopt and they would help in any way they could.

     I do not even think I even looked at my husband or mom for the first hour or more because I was trying to soak up every bit of information she was giving out. Once she was done, I got to ask her some questions I had brought with me but she had already answered most of my questions. I also got to glance at a couple of examples of the books you make for the birth parents to look through.

     I can’t tell you have comfortable and pleasant it was. I have thought since then that if I was a birth mother, I would feel loved and comforted by them. I really hope more women that are choosing to place their children look into their organization.

     A couple of days before I went to the meeting at the adoption agency, I got to where I couldn’t wait any longer to ask for my referral to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. So, I picked up the phone and left a voicemail for my nurse to call me. Hen she returned my call, I explained everything and that I wanted to try and get an appointment for a consultation while I was possibly out of school. She gave me three names of who they typically refer patients to so I could choose and make an appointment. I One doctor was in Memphis and two were in Jackson. I chose the one in Memphis for now. I made an appointment and we will go for our consultation on Jan. 9^th (first appointment available). We can and will do another insemination and know the results before I go to Memphis.

I'm back, lol!

     I am finally updating! I know it has been a long time! I hope I don’t forget something and leave anything out. Since I last posted there have been little specks of hope and lots of disappointment but as of this morning I am in a good place mentally. At least a lot better place then the two weeks before Thanksgiving. The depression that comes along with this journey was at an all time high. I felt so stressed and wanted to take off work for at least a week. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous break down and was just sitting there watching myself get more stressed, sad, and overwhelmed. Thankfully, I made it to Thanksgiving and once I got past the stomach virus, I enjoyed my week. It was such a nice needed break and totally helped me get to a better place. Being with family and having time to rest worked such wonders! Anyway, I will break all the news into three different post to keep the length down.

     Since I last posted I took another round of medicine and I added the 17 days of Decadron to my program. I also took the regular 500 mg Metformin three times daily, Folic Acid, Prenatal Vitamin, Vitamin B, and (2) 50mg Chlomid daily. The Decadron was added at night. I’m a little curious why I was told to take it at bed time. I went back to my doctor on November 8th, which was day 11 of my cycle. This is earlier than I have been going lately since my most fertile days have been falling on the weekend. When the appointment was made, I was told that I might have to come back on Monday if Thursday was too early but Monday might be too late. So I tried to stay positive and we went on to our appointment.

     My husband and I had discussed asking for a consultation with and Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), so when we got called back I spoke to the nurse to put it in my chart for the doctor to talk to us about it. We got moved to the room with the sonogram and checked my follicles. I had 2 but one was dominant and had developed to a good size. We went ahead with another IUI (insemination). He used the longer catheter that day. I had more pain then ever afterward. Normally you never feel much. I had some jittery cramping one time before but usually its nothing.

     My doctor never spoke to me about the referral, so I spoke to the nurse before I left and came to the decision to see if this insemination worked and if not I would call back and make an appointment to talk about it. So I left and we started the two week wait…Needless to say, It did not work. No positive test here. So, I repeat the cycle again. My day 1 was on Nov. 27^th. I started the same medicine regimen as last month and my next appointment is scheduled for Dec. 10^th. 

Slowly but surely

     We are slowly but surely getting our raffle tickets sold. I have faith that we will get it done! We have had a few very helpful people help us sell tickets and get the word out. We have one more month to sell  tickets so It will be good. I also stated on online fundraising site to sell them online or take any donations people are willing to give. I guess you could say I have resorted to begging! At this point, I am not above that! I am so ready to have the money to start one way or another. If only teachers got paid more! :)
     I am more positive this weekend because I am determined to have a better week. I think I cried at least 50 times last week. It is wearing me out. The mental exhaustion and daily stress is taking its toll. I always want to go to work but it took every thing in my being to go to work a couple days last week. I share a classroom with 3 other adults and I was not pleasant to work with. Bless their hearts, they put up with me though. I need to take a "mental health day," but I am sure it would just be spent doing the same things. I will just look toward Thanksgiving Holidays for a break and enjoy my family for a couple of days.
     I also wanted to mention that I met up with someone that had been done this same road of wanting a child so badly. She was so informative of the IVF process. My step-sister introduced us and she came along as well. We all talked for 3 hours. It helps to talk to someone that can give you a little insight into what would be ahead if we choose that option. I really admire how strong she was. When your in the middle of this and you talk to others that have made it through the hell that infertility is...I just think gosh, i hope one day I seem like that to someone, because right now there are times I am a hot mess when I talk about it. I keep up a good front most of the time though.
     So, today is my day one so I will start adding Decadron to my daily meds. I will take a low dose pill once a day at bedtime. I will start my Chlomid again in a couple of days. When you calculate it on the calendar, ovulation day falls on the weekend again. As far as my husband, we have not heard anything back from his doctor concerning his last semen analysis. I don't know if we should call him or what. I am almost tempted to get a second opinion. It is hard for me to think that there is not more help for him. I guess we will have to talk about it and make a decision.
     Ok, so here are the next few things I am planning on doing....1) asking for a referral to the reproductive endocrinologist in Memphis for a consultation just to check it out. 2) try to set up a meeting with someone who choose adoption. 3) check out other agencies (we have been looking into New Beginnings) 4) keep raising money so when we make our decision we can hit the ground running.

Keep Praying and Thanks for the Support!

No AI this month

Monday’s appointment seemed to be upon us more quickly this month. It was day 15 of my cycle. We had to wait longer than usual. I was planning to try and ask about our next step and if we should get a referral for a consultation with a fertility clinic that performs more advance procedures. Well, all that fell to the wayside. I think my doctor subconsciously knows when I want to ask questions or change something because when I have wanted talk about it he ends up changing things up a little which makes me want to wait and see what this will do. So anyway, once I got into the room and he started the sonogram, he said my endometrium looked good. When he moved on to look at the follicles, he did not see any. He suspected that I had already ovulated and that we would be unable to conduct artificial insemination because it is not usually successful after ovulation.

The result of this is that another medication was added for next month. When I start my Day 1, I will start taking a low dose of decodran (spelling?) at night through day 17. If I remember/heard correctly, he explained that you get estrogen from both the adrenal glad and your ovaries. The light steroid will suppress the release from the adrenal glad so I will only use the estrogen from my ovaries to develop a follicle. He stated that it would produce a healthier follicle and has been shown to have a 50% pregnancy rate. With this added to the routine, I decided to hold off on the referral conversation.

I guess it will be interesting to see how this works and I sre hope it’s a low enough dose not to effect me like when you get the shot when your sick. I guess it could be interesting. We will just have to wait and see.

A horrible weekend

Last weekend was horrible! I had to hold back tears all weekend until I was finally home for good on Sunday. I decided at the last minute to get a booth at the flea market and set up my pampered cheff stuff to maybe get some orders or book parties. I also brough 3 items to raffle off. My husband had to work this weekend so I would be all by myself. Needless to say, It was awful! I was so bored and stuck in the same hot spot for hours. It didn’t help that I did not have many customers. I can say I wont do that again! I will have to think of some other way to raise the money. Because I had such a poor response to the raffle this weekend, I have to keep selling chance until the end of November to make sure I make a profit. It makes me worry even more that I put out all that money from my “baby account,” and need to replace it. I do not like to lose money! See, I decided to raffle off a 45 quart Yeti cooler ($300 value), a 16gb ipad ($500 value, and a Nikon Prostaff 3x9x50 gun scope($250 value). I have got to sell all my chances or I do not know what I will do knowing I lost all that money.

Besides that stress, my feelings and thoughts were not the best. I came home Sunday and just cried. All that time sitting there, gave me time to think about everything way too much. It was probably a good thing I waited a few days to write about it because it would not have been too good of a post. You just start realizing who is supportive and what friends back up what they say with actions. (let me interject here, that one of my friends came and sat with me most all day Saturday and she will never know hoe thankful I was for her and her sacrifice!!! I also had a sweet cousin checking on me!)  It’s just disappointing to realize that strangers have done more at times. I don’t mean to be negative and its not directed at any one person, and I am not saying this to guilt anyone into being more supportive, but I guess it just makes you feel even more isolated because most people have no idea what its like or how it feels. On the other hand, I can see how people are busy and some do not know how to handle the situation/conversation. I mean, if I had never gone through this, I may not have ever known how to be supportive of a friend that was going through it. It’s a tough issue for some and I realize that it can make them uncomfortable.

I also really wanted to question God this weekend. I think every pregnant woman and child (yes, I said child because it seemed like half of the teenage population was pregnant) came to the flea market. The question I kept repeating to Gad was not why I wasn’t pregnant and they were, but rather, why does my journey to becoming a mom have to be so difficult? It would be so nice to not have to work so hard, go to all the appointments, take all the medicine, save all the money, do all the paperwork/home studies/jump through all the hoops if we choose adoption, etc. I just don’t know what lesson I am supposed to be learning right now. It could be so many different things because I am not perfect. I just wish I knew the bigger picture. I guess I need to find peace again with the journey and do what is asked of me knowing that He will provide a child in His way and in His time.

Been Busy

I know I haven’t updated in a little while. I have just been rather busy. The last artificial insemination did not take so on my day 3 (Oct 3^rd) I started another round of Chlomid. I called and set up my next appt for artificial insemination for Monday, October 15th. We have also gotten results from my husband’s semen analysis. We have a couple of questions about it but were pleased with the results. His concentration of sperm had gone down to less than 2 million and should be at least 20 million. Even though the concentration went down, the quality of the sperm went up. A manual motility test was run this time and it showed that he had 10% in the rapid progression motility category and 15% in the slow progression motility category. That means he has 25% that are swimming toward an egg! His first test he had 0%, 16.3% on the second, and 6.1% the third time. So this analysis has had the highest so far. Since we had a little improvement in quality, we decided to buy another month worth of supplements while we wait to talk back to his doctor and mine. We also got more defined morphology (their formation) on this test. It showed that he had 20% normal forms. So I guess our next step is to talk to my doctor about our chances if we continue with artificial insemination or if I should go ahead and schedule a consultation with a clinic that performs In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

            We haven’t made a definite decision about which route we are taking…IVF versus Adoption. In the meantime, we are just raising money to fund either choice. I have had a few offers to do Pampered Chef parties and I got commission from two orders a couple weeks ago. I also have three starting next week. I started my Pampered Chef website back up and hope to net some orders online or do some Facebook online parties. I also sold some baked goods on Monday to some offices and did pretty well. My next adventure is the local flea market this weekend. I will make some contacts for Pampered Chef and hopefully sell some chances on some prizes like Ipads, yeti coolers, gun scopes, etc. I did the math the other day and if we want to pay for this within a year and not have to get a loan, we need to raise an extra $1800 a month, which is $60 a day. I am determined to start reaching this goal. I may be looking for a part time job but we will see what comes….

            I want to make sure I say that I am so thankful for the friends that have committed to helping me this way. They have helped me in such big ways. It felt so nice to enter a friends order and then drive straight to the pharmacy to get two medications and knowing that she just made me enough commission to pay for it! I am blessed to have some friends that are so selfless to give of their time. I know that some people feel uncomfortable asking people to buy something but they put their feelings aside and did it for me. I just hope that one day I am able to help return the favor to someone that is in this same position.  So, I say a big THANK YOU to everybody. Keep us in your thoughts and send up all the prayers you can spare!

Wedesday 9/19

     Wednesday morning went well. My husband met me there from work. He is a trooper because he was so tired from working all night. I did not have to get another sonogram so I do not know how much more it had developed. Once we had our sample in the centrifuge, my husband went on home to get some sleep since he had to work that night. It made the wait so long. I was so bored and was texting a few folks to help pass the time. It made me realize how much more bearable all the waiting is when I have my husband by my side. I did survive the wait and was called back to have the procedure. I was a little nervous that they may do something different in some way and I would be alone but it went as usual and seemed to go better than normal. There was one little glitch afterwards though....

    After they do the procedure, you are laying on a chair/table that is then placed at a slope where your feet are higher than your head so your tilted to help them swim. Well, I was busy posting grades on my phone when they came in to do it so I laid my phone on my chest. I was so ready to get back to my gradebook and not lose what all I had entered that I didn't realize that they did not give me the remote to the chair. I have to lay that way for 15 minutes and did not realize until about 13 minutes into it. I did not know what I was going to do to get out of the chair. I didn't know where the remote was hung on the chair and couldn't see or feel it from the way I was laying. So, every scenario I could think of came with a mental image of what could happen if it went wrong. It did make me laugh though. Rolling off the chair upside down with only that paper tablecloth looking "drape" to cover you made me laugh. I sure didn't want to knock anything over to make someone run in to check on me...I sure wasn't going to yell help either! I finally felt that there was buttons on a box below the chair and just started pressing stuff and THANKFULLY got out of the chair. I know this is not coming across as funny as it was to me. I wish you could have heard my thoughts and seen the mental pictures I had flying through my head during that moment of slight panic. I guess if that's the only thing that went differently without my husband there, then I say it went pretty well!

     I also thought that it was weird that this is now the 3rd time I have had an insemination on someones birthday. I had one on my birthday(May2), my mom's (July 23), and now my dad's (Sept. 19). I just thought that was kind of neat.

Today's appt

     Todays appointment was short and sweet. It is day 15 of my cycle. We were unable to get an insemination procedure done today. He saw a couple follicles but the largest one only measured 17mm. He thought that it would be better to do it on Wednesday to give the follicles more time to mature. So we will head back early Wednesday and will get the procedure done. A sweet coworker of my husband swapped nights with him so he could be of today since he would be missing a few hours of sleep so we were thankful for that. He will have to meet me at the doctor from work Wednesday. I think I am going to talk him into leaving before the procedure is done so he can get home and get in the bed. After doing it so many months in a row, I think I will be fine. I just hope the dreaded needle they always have out is not used for the first time Wednesday. For those who do not know, I am scared to death of needles!!! You should see how long it is....just think about it...it has to be long enough to reach your cervix. So, it looks worse than I am sure it is. Anyhow, I will just keep telling myself that they get it ready every time and never use it, so they won't this time.
     Well, I don't have a lot of information to update on my husband. His blood test came back with everything in the normal ranges, so no more clearer answers so far. He was unable to get an analysis last week because I talked him into going with me to a conference for several days. He is going to try and do it this week possibly but we have to get the insemination done first then he will have to stay celibate for at least three days to do an analysis. As soon as he does, I will update.  
     Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. Please keep the prayers going!

another month...

     Labor day weekend was a nice break. We celebrated by grandmother's 76 birthday(as well as my nieces 3rd birthday with a whole family facetime birthday song!), we bought us a new family car in preparation for kiddos in our future, and a good cookout with friends and their children. We had a good weekend despite the slight disappointment we had. By Monday, I had started my cycle in full force. I think it hurt my husband worse than it hurts me now. I think I have kept my feelings at bay lately just so when it is another failed attempt, I do not have to feel the full extent of my disappointment. I just shift my focus to another two weeks and getting my meds filled and taking them to get ready for my next insemination. So, my next office visit will be on Sept. 17. My most fertile days keep falling on the weekend so it leaves us with the risk of already ovulating before Monday, but I still have high hopes that I will be able to have the procedure.

     I do hope to take some new results to my doctor for my husband. He had his appointment with his Urologist this morning. They drew some blood to test his testosterone levels again and he will have another semen analysis possibly next week. My husband talked to him about the supplements he has been taking and the doctor said they would probably help and we might see the change in his analysis. I am hoping that they have had a positive impact! If we get some better results this time, it will give us a burst of something positive to keep us motivated. I will update you all once I know the results. 

     On the money saving end, we have started a budget, oh my! Its not that we are crazy spenders, we are just too used to going and doing whatever we want. We are really trying though since we have a goal (even if its not completely defined yet). My coworker raised $188 for me through Pampered Chef and I had have had offers to host more, so I am excited. I am ready to see us make progress in this area so we can make a firm decision on adoption or IVF. 

     Thanks for praying for us and supporting us. It means a lot!

     

     

August 20th Dr. Appt

I went back to the doctor on Monday. It was day 15 of my cycle. I had taken my vitamins and Metphormin as always and I took a cycle of Chlomid twice a day for 5 days. So I went in for my ultrasound and possible insemination. When he did the sonogram, he first measured my endometrium and said it was thick and then he tried to find a follicle. For the first time since we started this, he was unable to get a good view of my ovaries. He kept looking for what seemed like forever. He never did get a good look at them on the sonogram so we did not know if I had already ovulated, if I had any follicles, one follicle, or multiple follicles.... I was a little worried and let down for a second but then he said that he was pretty positive from the thickness of my lining that I was ovulating this month and we would go ahead with the insemination. So the rest of the appointment went on as usual and I will again wait 2 weeks to see if a period or a positive pregnancy test awaits us. We should know something by September 3.

My husband will go back to the urologist on September 6 to see what his next step might be and hopefully he will get orders for some more testing and another semen analysis to check and see if all the supplements are helping in any way.

Another thing I wanted to mention was the fact that we are trying our best to save money and we are starting to raise money to continue this journey, whether it be continued fertility treatments, In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), or adoption. We have lots of cost that are not covered by insurance and my husband's upcoming test are quite expensive as well. Our next steps with In Vitro or adoption are thousand of dollars (you should google it, its ridiculous). The first way I am doing this is buy selling Pampered Chef. All my commission is going into a special savings account earmarked just for this. If you could help by gathering orders, please contact me so that I may get you some catalogs. It adds up quickly. I have a sweet co-worker that made me $100 last month and already has made me $126 dollars so far this month and she also reaps the benefits of all the hostess benefits(lots of free stuff). I will let you know of different opportunities to help me out in the future as well. Thanks for reading and please keep praying!

IUI video

I have had a few people ask what or how IUI is done. It is short video explaining it. There could be better ones out there but this was the first one I watched so here you go.

Short 3D animation of Intra-Uterine Insemination

No baby news

I had received a few texts wanting an update last week. I guess I should post more but it is just a lot of waiting, especially after I have been inseminated. I will try to do better though.

Well, I do not have any good news to share this month. It was not successful. We will start another round of meds on Wednesday. I will be taking double the amount of Chlomid this month so I will be anxious to see what impact it will have on my follicle development. My next doctor appointment will fall on the weekend again so we will once again run the risk of ovulating and being unable to get inseminated this month. I have more hopes this time around though since I had not ovulated before I went last time. It may increase my risk for multiples so I bet my husband is secretly happy about it. He would love to go ahead and have two children and be done with this difficult process.

Short update on my husband: He has been on his concoction of supplements for a little more than a month and a half. I saw a friend last week that also goes to my doctor and her husband has similar issues as mine. She stated that they were mailing her some information on a supplement that may help her husband. I got a text from her last night stating it was Proxeed. It is a powder you mix in your drink. I think it was around $400 for a two month supply. We looked it up and checked the ingredients and it seemed that we had most all the ingredients covered in the supplements he is currently taking (I think we have spent less too.). We noticed that he is not taking CoQ10. We had been looking into its benefits already and that just confirmed to me that we may need to add one more pill to his already full pill box. So he has a new bottle on the table and they stink to high heaven! So, let me take a few minutes to be very thankful that he takes all this stuff willingly and regularly. I am lucky to have a husband that is all in and so supportive. I am very lucky to have a husband that has such a strong desire to be a father.

Better than I thought

We got better news than expected yesterday. I had not ovulated yet and two follicles were seen, so we went ahead with another Interuterine insemination (IUI). When the doctor came in to do the procedure, he said that the specimen seemed to have more “swimmers” in it than in the past. That was really good news! I’m hoping that the pills we have my husband on are helping (It said it could take 3 months to show any change and it has only been a month and a half so I might schedule him another analysis once he has been on it longer to see for sure.). The doctor also said that if I didn’t get pregnant this month then he would increase my dosage of Chlomid. With that news, I have a little hope so I guess if I’m not pregnant this time then I will give it another try next month.  

Wondering what my day will hold...

I thought I would give an update before I go to my appointment today. I normally have my next doctors appointment on day 12, 13, or 14. The problem with that this month is that my day 12 fell on a Friday, which is a day my doctor does not do Interuterine Insemination (IUI). Thursday would have been too early plus I was on vacation all last week anyway (celebrating my 2^nd anniversary, yay!). So we had to schedule my appointment for today which is my day 15. This means that I will go in and have another sonogram of my ovaries to look for a follicle, we may not have one because I might have already ovulated. If I haven’t ovulated then we will have another IUI. Let me add that I am struggling to have a positive outlook because this cycle had a rough start. I almost forgot to even start my Chlomid and I had to get it filled at the last minute and take it. I also missed a day of Chlomid on vacation and I just finished it anyway. I also missed some doses of my Metphormin while out of my routine. So it might just be a small miracle that I even had a follicle this month.  So we will see what happens when we get there.

So the other thoughts on my mind are of how you decide to keep going, take a break, or stop all together. When trying to plan ahead, in case this month is not productive, I counted my days and it should fall once again on a weekend. Would I take them meds again? pay for more appointments? take a month off?… That’s when more mind games come into play and you start questioning yourself. “What if it that would be the month it worked?,” “But, it might get my body out of whack if I don’t.,” ”Maybe I should give up all together.,” “People do this for years, maybe I’m rushing it too much.,” and a hundred other thoughts. It feels at times that the two lobes of my brain are playing a tug-a-war. We are exploring other options but our next steps would cost around $20,000 so while trying to pray and get a definite answer, we are still trying I guess. I still do not feel like my husband and I have made any definite decisions. We are just making decisions as they arise. I kmow that the only way to feel completely at peace and resolved with a decision is to know that it is what God wants. There are times that I think I know where he is leading me but then I am afraid that I am projecting my thoughts into it. It is really hard to let go and not to second guess things.

A little warning: please do not comment or send me a msg saying that the minute I stop trying, it will happen. If it is a comment similar to that, please do not post either. I hit my quota on the amount of comments that I can just smile and bite my tongue and not reply with a smart comment. People should be more aware of what they say. J

Seeing Spots

Spots…Spots…..Spots. I hate to see them appear each month. Seeing them means that the IUI (Interuterine Insemination) didn’t work and that the great womanly curse will be upon you in just a day or two. It also means that you have to report the news to your husband and see the sadness and disappointment on his face while you try to act like its ok and your not upset because you would stay a hot mess and look like a nut case if you cried every time you felt sad, hurt, or disappointed by the process, because underneath it all, the process brings you nothing but sadness and hurt at times.

Needless to say, the sixth time wasn’t the charm and we will be starting the cycle all over again. So today would be my day 1. I will go fill my Chlomid prescription tomorrow, call the doctor’s office and make my day 12 appointment, start Chlomid on day 3 and take it through day 8 along with my daily medications he has me taking, then wait for my appointment on day 12… The kink in the plans this month is that I started a day early so now my IUI appt. will fall on Friday the 20^th (We usually schedule it on day 12-14.) and I will be out of town that day.  I will only be able to go in on Monday the 23^rd, which would be my day 15, and we run the risk of having ovulated and being unable to have IUI done that day. So....We shall see if I get to schedule an appt. or if we will have to take a month off.

With that being said, I guess I know what will be in my prayers again tonight. First, that His will be done and that I will honor His plans and secondly to give me a clear mind and peace so that I may sleep because I can “over think” ANYTHING! I will also give thanks that though this seems like a monumental struggle in my life (at this moment), it is NOTHING in comparison to monumental struggles others live with daily. I am determined not to let this place me at odds with God. I am blessed and have many things in which to be thankful!

The hub's diagnosis

     At one of my appointments in October 2011, my doctor first mentioned that we might want my husband tested just to make sure there were no issues and we could rule him out. Well, November came and my doctor ordered Jeremy to have his first semen analysis done. His first analysis was done on November 23rd and I got a copy to fax to my doctor. Just looking at the results myself, and some googling, I knew it didn't look too good. I received a call from my doctor's nurse saying that we needed to see a urologist.  We made an appointment for the first week of December.
     We left our first appointment so deflated and confused. My husband's sperm concentration was 4.6 million per millimeter where as it should be greater than 20 million per millimeter. There are four categories for sperm movement. In the top category (rapid progression motility/A) he had 0% where you need greater than 25%. He also had 0% in the slow progression motility category(B). He had 45.7% in the non-progression motility category(C) meaning that the sperm moves its tail but does not progress or swim forward. In the final category (immotility/D) he had 54.3% that did not moved at all. The doctor asked us if he had previously had a vasectomy or had it reversed. Well, that answer was no. He also asked if he had had any trauma to that area of his body and that answer was a no as well. The doctor also mentioned that he might have antibodies that attack his sperm and treat them as a foreign matter. He said that he would not make any conclusions from just one analysis but if results from future testing stayed the same then we would only be able to conceive through In Vitro Fertilization with Intrasytoplasmic Sperm Injection (IVF with ICSI) or we would need to consider adoption. Of course we asked if there was anything we could do to help improve the results. He said that some doctors place their patients on Chlomid but that there was weak research and he did not like to place his patients on Chlomid. We didn't receive much advice to help in that area. He ordered another analysis for the following week andd the diagnosis of Oliospermia was written on his receipt.
     December 9th was his next analysis and blood work was done to test his FSH, LH, Testosterone, and PCT levels.  I could not wait to open that envelope to see if there was any difference. We felt slight relief when his concentration doubled to 8M/mil. He also had 11.3% in the category A and 5% in category B for motility. It may not have been a vast improvement but at least we had sperm that were actually swimming! He also did not have any major red flags come back on his blood work. His next appointment was a little more hopeful and we were told to try on our own following my doctor's instruction for six months but he would need another sperm analysis done in 3 months since it takes about that long to produce new sperm. He did say that we needed to stick to the ovulation calender and we would only need to try every other day during the fertile time in order for him to replenish his sperm.
     In the meantime, we kept trying and had started Interuterine Insemination (IUI). During my spring break, we had a third analysis. The results provided us another dip in the roller coaster we had been riding. His concentration had fallen back to 4.9M/ml and he only had 6.1% in motility categories A and B. Also during this time, his doctor scheduled him for a testicular sonogram in order to check for a Varicocele, but it did not show anything of concern.
     Currently, he needs another appointment with his urologist, but I have decided to self treat him for a couple more months before we go back. Two weeks ago, I was talking with a co-worker and she said that she and her husband had similar trouble conceiving their first child and her husband was placed on multiple medications from the doctor and it took a long time but she finally conceived. Well, now pregnant with her second child, she told me the what her husband had researched and found ever the counter supplements and he took them almost 6 months before they conceived their second child. She said it might not work for us but it was worth a shot. So I called GNC to see if they had the vitamins in stock, and when Jeremiah woke up that afternoon, I had it already in a medicine dispenser for him to take. He is taking fertility blend for men, vitamin d, a multivitamin, l-arginine, l-carnitine, and other vitamins he just normally takes. Fertility Blend for Men states that it takes 3 months to see results so after he has been on it a few months, I may make his appointment and get another analysis to see if it has helped in anyway.

My diagnosis

     Starting in my mid to late 20s, I had a time where I stopped having a menstrual cycle. This first time it lasted about 9 months. I just waited to address the issue until my yearly because I was moving and it takes forever to book an appointment in our town! So when my yearly visit rolled around, I expressed my concern but she thought it might be due to a small weight gain (I have always been a big girl though.). They gave me a prescription that I took for a number of days to force my body into menstruating and then made me a follow up appointment to place me on birth control to possibly correct the issue. So I started my birth control and stayed on it from there on out. I resumed what seemed to be a normal cycle for a some time but then stopped again.

     At another yearly, I voiced my concerned and explained additional symptoms such as the darkening skin in the mustache region, the hot flashes, etc. I told people all the time I thought I had hit menopause. I asked if they were in any way related to each other and if my hormones were all messed up. My doctor said that it could be from the birth control or something else and we would only be able to find out by me getting off of birth control for a while and then get some testing done.  She also said that if I was okay with not having a cycle then she was too. Considering it was about two weeks before my wedding, I was okay with it and thought it might be my luck that it was the birth control and I was not wanting a honeymoon baby.

     About 7 months into our marriage,  we had casually chatted about babies and when we might want one. So that January, knowing that I might have some trouble, I took my last round of birth control. We wanted to see if it was possibly birth control causing it and if we happened to get pregnant then we would just be parents that much sooner. Well, February came and so did my cycle so relief came over me. Maybe nothing was wrong. It didn't last long though. It went on hiatus again. As it was getting closer to another yearly check up, I decided that I needed to change my doctor. I would be ready for children soon and wanted to start working toward that goal. I called and made my first appointment with a doctor near us that is "known" by lots of my friends to help those that struggle having children.

     That first appointment was a year ago this month and by that time I had been without a cycle for almost two years. After reviewing my medical history, answering multiple questions, blood test, and sonograms of my uterus and ovaries. I was diagnosed the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) with insulin resistance. I can't remember how many follicles were in both ovaries but I know I had 31 in just one of them. I had high triglycerides, high LDL cholesterol. I needed to watch my blood pressure and sugar levels. I left the doctor's office with numerous copies of articles he reviewed with me, a note to take so many units of vitamin D and folic acid daily, a prescription for Metformin, and my next appointment for October.

     As my appointment was approaching, I was hopeful for a good report considering the nasty side effects I had been living with from the Metformin. The good news came. My ovaries were no longer full of follicles! Now I would come back for a sonogram on day 12 of my cycle to see if I had produced a follicle to ovulate. I had only lost six pounds though and he increased my Metformin to 3 times daily. On day 12, I had another sonogram and had produced a follicle to ovulate. We were sent home with instructions to try for the next few days and make sure to elevate my butt for 15 to 20 after each try. 

    The only thing I changed in November, was the addition of Chlomid to help me ovulate. This is still what I am following till now. I did take a break during December and January due to Jeremy's diagnosis and have continued every month since February(2012). We also started Interuterine Insemination (IUI) then as well and have done it 6 times. We will find out in about another week or so if the 6th time is the charm!

A little intro for the strangers...

For those of you who do not know me, let me quickly introduce myself. I am a 31 year old special education teacher from a small community in Mississippi. I am a wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I met my husband in the fall of 2007. We were engaged in February of 2010 and married in July of the same year. He is the best husband I could have ever asked for. He definitely has his work cut out for him because I can be a lot to handle! :) I'm glad he was willing to accept the challenge and thankful that God gave him such a loving heart and an endless supply of patience. He works as medical technologist in an area hospital and helps me raise two stinking dogs that we adopted from the humane society.

The road is....

As I started my blog today, I chose from the few templates offered to just get me started.  This one was titled "Picture Window." I could not tell what the picture was, but I went with it. I did, however, want to look at it before I started the task of writing something. As I pulled it up, I noticed it was a blurry road scene. My first thought was, "Man, it sure is a long, straight, flat road which is nothing like the ups, downs, twists and turns of the road I am fixing to describe!" Since I am starting this blog so far into our journey, I guess I better stop a second and take the time to recall the activities of the last year. I want to get it in some kind of order before I just start rambling. I am also still contemplating in my head just how honest and forthcoming I should be about certain experiences. I want to be true to our feelings and emotions but it is such a personal experience. I also have to take into account that this is not only about my life but it involves my husband as well, and I always want him to be comfortable with all my post. Through this, I searched the internet to find someone that told their experience and shared feelings like the ones I have. I have not found one that just struck a chord with me and I hope that mine might strike one with another women in search of a connection like I have. My last words for this post comes in the form of a disclaimer: Warning! If you are offended by poor spelling, grammar, and word choice, then this is not the blog for you! I do not intend to stress over my poor language skills!