Well, last weekend was like
any other normal weekend when my husband has time off and we run errands or go
find something to entertain us for a while. We were in between locations and a
“matter of fact” type of feeling came over me. The feeling I got was clear and
to the point. I knew I had to go to church the following day. I did not say
anything to my husband. I just kept thinking about it to myself even into the
night. (So, let me stop here for a second and explain our relationship with
church the last few months.)
We had started visiting a church as a
couple and was going as regularly as we could when my husband wasn’t working.
It has a large congregation and I love the music and get so much out of the
sermon each week. The problem is that we never got “imbedded” I guess you would
say. We were not members of a small group due to his schedule and without being
connected in that way it was hard to be missed by anyone there and I didn’t
know anyone to encourage me to come the times my husband worked. With not
having developed a strong relationship it was easy not to go the more I
struggled with my thoughts of “Why God?”. I had missed a few Sundays and felt
the need to go back before. I did go and the lesson happened to be on the yearning
for children and that we do not progress through the doors Christ has laid out
for us due to us stalling in our relationship not wiling to move forward if God
was not going to fulfill our wishes for a child. Of course I cried the entire
service! It was so hard to listen to but I know I needed to hear it but at that
time, I didn’t realize how much I needed to be there each week through these
hard times. Instead, I had not gone back and was not mad at God but questioning
his will for me.
So fast forward back to October. I had a
conversation here and there with a friend or family member about how going
through this has opened my eyes to see how unkind and unfriendly some could be.
A few strangers as well as people we know have really disappointed us. After
one particular hard time, involving my place of employment, I had a
conversation with my husband about the fact if I am this saddened by the
actions of others, I felt so bad for how God must feel. I can’t imagine how
disappointed and sad he must be with us. So I started thinking that I needed to
try and do more to be a little more of an example and spread a little more
kindness around our community. These small thoughts randomly popping up had
started me back toward a more peaceful relationship with God. I will not say it
is perfect or all my selfish thoughts and desires are resolved. I will not
pretend. I will acknowledge the feelings, thoughts, and beliefs I have at that
time but know I am still a work in progress. But even with these thoughts, I had
not been ready to go back to church.
Now back to last weekend, I woke up Sunday
morning and fixed a bowl of cereal and made small talk with my husband. Once I
finished I asked him what the plan was for the day. He didn’t have one and I
didn’t either but in my head I knew I still had to go to church. I still never
said anything. I was playing tug of war with myself and knew that if God was
making me feel that it was urgent
then I had to hear the sermon. I was a little scared of repeating the blubbering
mess I felt I looked like the last time I went. I finally was thinking, ”ok ,
we could watch it on the internet or we could go. So I am going to ask him in a
minute if he wants to go with me or watch it on the internet.” As those
thoughts were going through my mind, My husband was in the kitchen and out of
the blue he asked what time church started. I smiled real big and kind of
laughed and asked where that came from. He said we just had not been in a while
and he felt like we needed to. I knew then that God had made sure my husband
helped spur me to go. So we decided to kick it in gear and go to the early
service. I made sure I took a pen and note pad so I could take notes since God
made it so clear that I had to hear it.
The lesson was on Luke 1:26-56. I was
reading and listening so intently. Elizabeth learning of being with child was
mentioned briefly but I knew that just wasn’t the message meant for me to hear.
(I don’t think anyways.) Here are the notes I wrote and was meant for me. When
talking about the insignificance of a girl such as Mary, the pastor made the
point that we ourselves may feel insignificant or we might feel that we are
favored by God and are waiting for something significant to happen but we have
missed the significant thing God has done while you were waiting. Three other
points I wrote down were 1) we are loved beyond our understanding, 2) we are
favored beyond our immediate circumstances, and 3) we are called beyond our
immediate vocation. He also said that we needed to say, “I am your servant and
do with me what you will.” Finally my last note was something he re-emphasized
from the opening. He said to try and produce the butterfly effect and one small
insignificant deed or act can cause a ripple and be multiplied greatly.
This sermon just supported my feelings that were being established
little by little since October. It also gave me points that I needed to hear
and start believing more whole-heartedly. I can’t say what my next step in this
journey with God will be but I know it is starting to turn back toward Him and
trusting in Him than it has been.
No comments:
Post a Comment