A horrible weekend

Last weekend was horrible! I had to hold back tears all weekend until I was finally home for good on Sunday. I decided at the last minute to get a booth at the flea market and set up my pampered cheff stuff to maybe get some orders or book parties. I also brough 3 items to raffle off. My husband had to work this weekend so I would be all by myself. Needless to say, It was awful! I was so bored and stuck in the same hot spot for hours. It didn’t help that I did not have many customers. I can say I wont do that again! I will have to think of some other way to raise the money. Because I had such a poor response to the raffle this weekend, I have to keep selling chance until the end of November to make sure I make a profit. It makes me worry even more that I put out all that money from my “baby account,” and need to replace it. I do not like to lose money! See, I decided to raffle off a 45 quart Yeti cooler ($300 value), a 16gb ipad ($500 value, and a Nikon Prostaff 3x9x50 gun scope($250 value). I have got to sell all my chances or I do not know what I will do knowing I lost all that money.

Besides that stress, my feelings and thoughts were not the best. I came home Sunday and just cried. All that time sitting there, gave me time to think about everything way too much. It was probably a good thing I waited a few days to write about it because it would not have been too good of a post. You just start realizing who is supportive and what friends back up what they say with actions. (let me interject here, that one of my friends came and sat with me most all day Saturday and she will never know hoe thankful I was for her and her sacrifice!!! I also had a sweet cousin checking on me!)  It’s just disappointing to realize that strangers have done more at times. I don’t mean to be negative and its not directed at any one person, and I am not saying this to guilt anyone into being more supportive, but I guess it just makes you feel even more isolated because most people have no idea what its like or how it feels. On the other hand, I can see how people are busy and some do not know how to handle the situation/conversation. I mean, if I had never gone through this, I may not have ever known how to be supportive of a friend that was going through it. It’s a tough issue for some and I realize that it can make them uncomfortable.

I also really wanted to question God this weekend. I think every pregnant woman and child (yes, I said child because it seemed like half of the teenage population was pregnant) came to the flea market. The question I kept repeating to Gad was not why I wasn’t pregnant and they were, but rather, why does my journey to becoming a mom have to be so difficult? It would be so nice to not have to work so hard, go to all the appointments, take all the medicine, save all the money, do all the paperwork/home studies/jump through all the hoops if we choose adoption, etc. I just don’t know what lesson I am supposed to be learning right now. It could be so many different things because I am not perfect. I just wish I knew the bigger picture. I guess I need to find peace again with the journey and do what is asked of me knowing that He will provide a child in His way and in His time.