December appointment update

     Monday we had our appointment to have another possible insemination. Before I got started, We discussed some possible side effects I am having. My vision has gotten dramatically worse seemingly overnight. It is so blurry and hard to see at times. I also have legs cramps every night on top of the multiple times I now wake up to use the bathroom. I forgot to mention the night sweats but from the other symptoms he decided I needed to have some blood work done and I needed to discontinue the Decadron until we know something. During the sonogram my endometrium looked good and he found three follicles on my left side and all three measured a significant size. We were able to get the insemination and we will find out the results on Christmas day.

God got me moving

Well, last weekend was like any other normal weekend when my husband has time off and we run errands or go find something to entertain us for a while. We were in between locations and a “matter of fact” type of feeling came over me. The feeling I got was clear and to the point. I knew I had to go to church the following day. I did not say anything to my husband. I just kept thinking about it to myself even into the night. (So, let me stop here for a second and explain our relationship with church the last few months.)

     We had started visiting a church as a couple and was going as regularly as we could when my husband wasn’t working. It has a large congregation and I love the music and get so much out of the sermon each week. The problem is that we never got “imbedded” I guess you would say. We were not members of a small group due to his schedule and without being connected in that way it was hard to be missed by anyone there and I didn’t know anyone to encourage me to come the times my husband worked. With not having developed a strong relationship it was easy not to go the more I struggled with my thoughts of “Why God?”. I had missed a few Sundays and felt the need to go back before. I did go and the lesson happened to be on the yearning for children and that we do not progress through the doors Christ has laid out for us due to us stalling in our relationship not wiling to move forward if God was not going to fulfill our wishes for a child. Of course I cried the entire service! It was so hard to listen to but I know I needed to hear it but at that time, I didn’t realize how much I needed to be there each week through these hard times. Instead, I had not gone back and was not mad at God but questioning his will for me.

     So fast forward back to October. I had a conversation here and there with a friend or family member about how going through this has opened my eyes to see how unkind and unfriendly some could be. A few strangers as well as people we know have really disappointed us. After one particular hard time, involving my place of employment, I had a conversation with my husband about the fact if I am this saddened by the actions of others, I felt so bad for how God must feel. I can’t imagine how disappointed and sad he must be with us. So I started thinking that I needed to try and do more to be a little more of an example and spread a little more kindness around our community. These small thoughts randomly popping up had started me back toward a more peaceful relationship with God. I will not say it is perfect or all my selfish thoughts and desires are resolved. I will not pretend. I will acknowledge the feelings, thoughts, and beliefs I have at that time but know I am still a work in progress. But even with these thoughts, I had not been ready to go back to church.

     Now back to last weekend, I woke up Sunday morning and fixed a bowl of cereal and made small talk with my husband. Once I finished I asked him what the plan was for the day. He didn’t have one and I didn’t either but in my head I knew I still had to go to church. I still never said anything. I was playing tug of war with myself and knew that if God was making me feel that it was  urgent then I had to hear the sermon. I was a little scared of repeating the blubbering mess I felt I looked like the last time I went. I finally was thinking, ”ok , we could watch it on the internet or we could go. So I am going to ask him in a minute if he wants to go with me or watch it on the internet.” As those thoughts were going through my mind, My husband was in the kitchen and out of the blue he asked what time church started. I smiled real big and kind of laughed and asked where that came from. He said we just had not been in a while and he felt like we needed to. I knew then that God had made sure my husband helped spur me to go. So we decided to kick it in gear and go to the early service. I made sure I took a pen and note pad so I could take notes since God made it so clear that I had to hear it.

     The lesson was on Luke 1:26-56. I was reading and listening so intently. Elizabeth learning of being with child was mentioned briefly but I knew that just wasn’t the message meant for me to hear. (I don’t think anyways.) Here are the notes I wrote and was meant for me. When talking about the insignificance of a girl such as Mary, the pastor made the point that we ourselves may feel insignificant or we might feel that we are favored by God and are waiting for something significant to happen but we have missed the significant thing God has done while you were waiting. Three other points I wrote down were 1) we are loved beyond our understanding, 2) we are favored beyond our immediate circumstances, and 3) we are called beyond our immediate vocation. He also said that we needed to say, “I am your servant and do with me what you will.” Finally my last note was something he re-emphasized from the opening. He said to try and produce the butterfly effect and one small insignificant deed or act can cause a ripple and be multiplied greatly.

     This sermon just supported my feelings that were being established little by little since October. It also gave me points that I needed to hear and start believing more whole-heartedly. I can’t say what my next step in this journey with God will be but I know it is starting to turn back toward Him and trusting in Him than it has been. 

an email

I got this email yesterday and I hope that one day my children can say this about my husband and I.

When You Thought I wasn't Looking 


Author: Unknown

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

I can't wait to....

This morning I was thinking about all the things I want to do with a child or things I can’t wait to be a part of as a parent. Individuals do not realize that people who are struggling to have children are craving the opportunity to do the things people with children get to do everyday. There have been times where I see facebook statuses that make me slightly envious. They are not the one you would think about either. I found myself thinking that I would love to be packing chairs up to go sit at the t-ball field in the boiling hot sun! So I thought I would make a list of some things we can’t wait to do. My husband gave some surprising input as well. He had several good things. It made me smile.

(in no particular order!)

ride bikes together

go to t-ball practice/soccer/ballet/gymnastics, whichever they choose

watch the excitement as we decorate for Christmas

getting no sleep from putting together the toys from Santa

holiday pictures

choosing a Halloween costume

tooth fairy magic

bath time

rocking a snugly baby to sleep

going to school events

changing a diaper (from the husband since he said he would finally have his own, my weak stomach has to get prepared!)

attending children’s birthday parties with our little one

family vacations

reading books together

hearing sweet prayers before bedtime

bragging

having people say, “Oh and its good to see you too!” as they have grabbed the child out of your arms

The feeling of missing them so bad that you can’t wait to get back home.

Doggy kisses (poor Scooter and Charlie)

Blowing out candles

Playing in the dirt

Jumping in mud puddles

Not having any money because I spent it all on some adorable clothes.

Playing board games

Pulling a wagon

Swinging on the playground

Cooking together                 

Teaching my child to count/ABCs/manners

......and more!

Bringing Home the Bacon

I have been busy trying to raise money to afford any option we may choose. I have sold a few baked goods and did well. I also worked a basketball game for a fellow teacher for a little cash, I am giving the ACT next week, and I just finished my raffle.

     I sold tickets for about a month and a half. They were only a dollar each and I had three prizes. I had some great friends and family that helped me sell tickets. Since I had bought the prizes out of my “baby fund” I had a lot of cost to cover before making a profit. Even at the beginning of this week, we only had made a couple hundred dollars profit. I was feeling a little foolish and thinking it was a lot to keep track of for just that little bit of money. Well, God made it better!

     I had some friends that turned their money in starting Thursday and at least 3 of them had sold $140-$200. My mom, who had been selling them all along brought me another big wad yesterday. And finally, the icing on the cake….

     I went to open house at my cousin’s bakery and asked if I could come on Dec. 1 and have someone draw the winners so I could video tape it and have public witnesses. She said yes and then said to come all day since it was downtown and the Christmas parade was that morning. Well, I took her up on it and got there about 7:30 yesterday. She had me a table right in the front door and posted it on her facebook page. I made another almost $300 from her customers yesterday! On top of that, I met several women that had struggled themselves and were so compassionate. It felt good! They had some positive things to tell me and a little faith and hope to share. It was a great day! I left yesterday and totaled my sales up and I had doubled my cost! I gauge my progress with what it might cover the cost of. I know have enough in my “baby fund” to cover lawyer fees for a private adoption if God was to bless us with such an opportunity, or enough for 1/3 of ONE of the IVF fees or we are 1/5 of the way to affording adoption through an agency. I am happy, happy, happy that the hard work of everyone in this battle with me is paying off! I can’t tell these people THANK YOU enough!

Forward Progress

A week or so before Thanksgiving, I saw an ad in the newspaper of an “ask and eat” session at the local adoption agency. I made reservations and my husband, my mom and I went. It started at 6:30 and we were the only ones there. The lady conducting the meeting was so nice and told us everything we could possibly want to get from a first meeting. She touched on what seemed like every aspect of what we would need to know or we would go through to adopt. I really loved that she said to search and investigate agencies and find one that is right for us. She said whether we choose them or not, they just wanted to support those choosing to adopt and they would help in any way they could.

     I do not even think I even looked at my husband or mom for the first hour or more because I was trying to soak up every bit of information she was giving out. Once she was done, I got to ask her some questions I had brought with me but she had already answered most of my questions. I also got to glance at a couple of examples of the books you make for the birth parents to look through.

     I can’t tell you have comfortable and pleasant it was. I have thought since then that if I was a birth mother, I would feel loved and comforted by them. I really hope more women that are choosing to place their children look into their organization.

     A couple of days before I went to the meeting at the adoption agency, I got to where I couldn’t wait any longer to ask for my referral to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. So, I picked up the phone and left a voicemail for my nurse to call me. Hen she returned my call, I explained everything and that I wanted to try and get an appointment for a consultation while I was possibly out of school. She gave me three names of who they typically refer patients to so I could choose and make an appointment. I One doctor was in Memphis and two were in Jackson. I chose the one in Memphis for now. I made an appointment and we will go for our consultation on Jan. 9^th (first appointment available). We can and will do another insemination and know the results before I go to Memphis.

I'm back, lol!

     I am finally updating! I know it has been a long time! I hope I don’t forget something and leave anything out. Since I last posted there have been little specks of hope and lots of disappointment but as of this morning I am in a good place mentally. At least a lot better place then the two weeks before Thanksgiving. The depression that comes along with this journey was at an all time high. I felt so stressed and wanted to take off work for at least a week. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous break down and was just sitting there watching myself get more stressed, sad, and overwhelmed. Thankfully, I made it to Thanksgiving and once I got past the stomach virus, I enjoyed my week. It was such a nice needed break and totally helped me get to a better place. Being with family and having time to rest worked such wonders! Anyway, I will break all the news into three different post to keep the length down.

     Since I last posted I took another round of medicine and I added the 17 days of Decadron to my program. I also took the regular 500 mg Metformin three times daily, Folic Acid, Prenatal Vitamin, Vitamin B, and (2) 50mg Chlomid daily. The Decadron was added at night. I’m a little curious why I was told to take it at bed time. I went back to my doctor on November 8th, which was day 11 of my cycle. This is earlier than I have been going lately since my most fertile days have been falling on the weekend. When the appointment was made, I was told that I might have to come back on Monday if Thursday was too early but Monday might be too late. So I tried to stay positive and we went on to our appointment.

     My husband and I had discussed asking for a consultation with and Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), so when we got called back I spoke to the nurse to put it in my chart for the doctor to talk to us about it. We got moved to the room with the sonogram and checked my follicles. I had 2 but one was dominant and had developed to a good size. We went ahead with another IUI (insemination). He used the longer catheter that day. I had more pain then ever afterward. Normally you never feel much. I had some jittery cramping one time before but usually its nothing.

     My doctor never spoke to me about the referral, so I spoke to the nurse before I left and came to the decision to see if this insemination worked and if not I would call back and make an appointment to talk about it. So I left and we started the two week wait…Needless to say, It did not work. No positive test here. So, I repeat the cycle again. My day 1 was on Nov. 27^th. I started the same medicine regimen as last month and my next appointment is scheduled for Dec. 10^th.